The Duck Says...

A Nice Chat - Follow up to AHHHH

2009-04-14T23:08:00.005-04:00

So, after I posted, I had a nice chat with a friend. It's circular and maybe no questions are actually answered, but it was incredible good for me. It will take up space, so be sure to catch the AHHH post first.
Chat:

Javen: sorry you were frustrated tonight
me: eh
it happens
it's mostly figuring out how to believe what i believe and address the issues i care about
also, i'm a feeler

Javen: yah
Haha

me: things are just way more gray for me
and i don't know how to deal with that
i can't do abstracts
with that kind of stuff at least

Javen: i guess i agree with you that liberals shouldn't tell conservatives they're wrong to believe what they believe

me: it feels hypocritical
i don't know if it's right or wrong

Javen: but i often think that certain conservative views are built on ignorance--and by ignorance i mean simply not having considered alternative views

me: i think its the same for liberals though

Javen: and i would like to make the alternative views accessible so they can at least consider something else, even if they don't end up there

me: i don't know that the statistics would be much different

Javen: i agree

me: i just want people to really think about what they're saying/believing
everyone
both sides

Javen: but on an issue like "what does the bible say about homosexuality," i think conservatives (like, say, my grandparents) have a lot to learn about biblical hermeneutics, historical context, etc.

me: yeah
assuming those things are correct
i mean, they could be wrong

Javen: sure, but i want them to at least consider them
me: i want people to admit that they believe something
but that it could be wrong

Javen: i know what their arguments are already

me: we don't know

Javen: "the bible says right here...."

me: vs. "John Collins says right here..."

Javen: haha
No

me: i know that's not what you do
Javen: vs. "sure, your english translation of the bible says that, but how did the ancients read that passage in the original greek/hebrew? what was their culture like?" diana swancutt stuff

me: yeah
i mean i love that stuff
but i also have to admit that we really have no idea what they were thinking

Javen: that's not entirely true
i mean, we can make fairly good guesses about what they were thinking based on other texts that shed light on that kind of thing

me: yes
and they're guesses
which is fine

Javen: yeah

me: i think guesses are good
valuable
just like i think stories and myths are good and valuable
but i don't know if i believe that one guess gives someone more right
it's a conflict for me

Javen: that's fine

me: someone who wants things to change

Javen: but i'm going to continue to be frustrated when my grandpa says, "but the bible says it right here!"

me: yep
and i'm sure he'll be just as frustrated when you say so and so says right here
but you're dialoging

Javen: i'm going to continue to do battle against the beliefs that shape that kind of comment

me: maybe it goes further than we think
ah, but are they wrong?
and what makes them so
i'm genuinely asking
i don't have answers to these questions

Javen: well, i think so
because i don't believe that "the bible says"
but i also think it's problematic insofar as it's a conversation stopper
and it's always used as a conversation stopper
"fine, you say that... but the bible says right here.... period."

me: but i think we do the same thing sometimes
i shouldn't say we
i'm not really liberal or conservative
but i think everyone has their conversation stoppers

Javen: yah that's true

me: and some conservatives use the resources you were talking about and still come out believing the opposite of you
so is it enough to say, you've educated yourself, gone beyond simply saying the bible tells me so, and i guess i'll have to let you believe what you want
or do we still think they just haven't got it?

Javen: i'm not sure

me: and isn't what we really want diversity?
and doesn't that mean both opinions?
i just don't know
so much confliction

me: but i think conflict is good
i think our problem is that we try to get rid of it or hide it or ignore it

Javen: not if diversity is, say, the family institute of connecticut constantly belittling lgbtq folks

me: but that's not diversity, one view isn't heard
Javen: well, lmf is the other side, right?

me: right
but lmf wants the other view to go away
that's not diversity either

Javen: sure

me: it's not an existing in conflict
it's a win lose
so the conflict for me is this
how do we work toward things like diversity when we think certain existing voices should be silenced
doesn't that seem hypocritical?

Javen: i'm not sure it's a bad thing for me to want the family institute silenced

me: maybe not
but then is your overall goal diversity
?
Javen: in their eyes, oby and i will be "married" on may 22 (with quotes), and the quotes will never go away
which is sort of dehumanizing
so yeah, i don't like that their voice gets heard

me: but we dehumanize them too

Javen: uhhuh. how

me: we say they're ignorent,
unenlightened
they just don't know any better
we don't have the power to take rights away
but we do have the power to think of them as less
so that we can go to battle with them
it's similar to war
soldiers and many of the families have to dehumanize the other side to be prepared for doing what they must to win
see, these are my real issues
not in the sense of right and wrong
but where are we really going

Javen: yah

me: liberals call for things like diversity, and equality
but what they really want for the most part is to silence one voice
which might not be bad
but i don't know

me: i'm not arguing with you

Javen: i'm not sure "diversity" is a good reason to keep anti-gay voices in the mix

me: i'm just trying to process
ah
but don't claim that you work toward diversity and equality is what i'm saying
and by you, i mean liberals
i don't think that you personally do that

Javen: ha
right
well i won't personally claim that, then

me: say what you're doing

Javen: i'll tell you that i'm working for gay rights

me: be forthright about it

Javen: then conservatives, too, should not say they are fighting for "freedom"

me: true
it's both sides
they're both guilty

Javen: sure

me: everyone is guilty

Javen: but both sides do it to make their side more appealing

Javen: more people join you if you're fighting for freedom, diversity, or equality

me: true
i know why people do it
i just don't know where i stand in it
how do i care so much about the things i do and not push others into thinking like me

Javen: i will always encourage other people to think like me--i don't see what's wrong with hat

me: i don't feel comfortable doing it
i don't necessarily think that i'm Right

Javen: me neither
but why not tell others why you believe what you believe and see what they think about it?

me: i'm ok with that
but i'm not ok with doing it in an attempt to make them believe what i believe

Javen: yah

me: and it's fine if you are
i'm don't think there's anything wrong with that
as long as you're upfront about it

Javen: the thing is that i want people i like to agree with me

me: ha
but i like lots of people who don't agree with me

Javen: sure, on certain things

me: in fact most of my closest friends are so because they challenge me
and i think i'm better for it
that's me though

Javen: but my facebook "friend" who told me, "well, i think you're going to hell" and then said, "javen, i'm so glad you're in my life! isn't it great to have someone to disagree with?"
and i was like, "f you"

me: ha
hm

Javen: i like disagreeing with people about other things

me: but, if you buy this Christianity thing, how should you respond
general you

Javen: sure, i know

me: i mean, don't get me wrong
we have arguments

Javen: but when it comes down to deciding who i want to hang out with on friday night, i will choose lots of other people over her
me: wonderful arguments
but we survive them
i guess
but is that the right decision?
or the comfortable one?

Javen: if it means being lectured on the book of romans about why i'm going to hell, i think it's reasonable
to make the decision to hang out with someone else on friday night

me: but to always make that decision
is it really in line with christianity
or with christ for that matter

Javen: no ::tail between legs::

me: ha

Javen: thanks jason

me: that's not the point though

Javen: you are right

me: don't feel bad
i'm just asking questions
maybe it is right
there is a time when certain relationships end
i believe that

Javen: would jesus approve of that?
ending relationships?
j/k

me: i mean, there are natural ends
maybe not if we're ending them to escape something
i mean, i would never ask you to hang out with that person
or think that it's bad that you don't

Javen: really?
i'm not sure i believe that

me: eh
i mean, you have every right to not want to
what i would ask you, is, are you living the way you want to live

Javen: see... now if THAT was the question SHE asked me, i'd hang out with her

me: ha

Javen: which is probably why i enjoy hanging out with you
anyway
i need to 1) read and 2) write a post on that

me: cool beans
thanks for talking

Javen: yah

me: i might post this

Javen: sorry it wasn't more fruitful

me: can i do that
ha, that was amazingly fruitful
for me at least

Javen: sure you can, i felt like we talked in circles, but i'm an istj
(i need intense structure)

me: ha
ok
luck
night

Javen: thanks
cya tomorrow, or whenever
hearts

AHHHHH

2009-04-14T21:37:00.004-04:00

So, I know it's been a long time since I've posted anything, especially anything of substance, and this post will be short, but I need to say this. I'm dealing with conflicting notions, feelings, ideologies. I don't like to see people getting hurt, and if we're honest, people are being hurt over the topics of sexuality, race, gender :insert your favorite social justice topic: However, while I simultaneously think these are issues that should be addressed and that Christianity offers some substantial ways of addressing them, I don't feel comfortable telling people they can't believe what they decide to believe. I feel ok asking questions about why they believe and even offering comparisons between points-of-view, but I don't feel right about guiding them towards what I deem as correct.

More specifically, I'm dealing with this:

It pisses me off that liberal Christianity concurrently rags on conservatives for basically not allowing people to believe and live the way they choose and then tells conservatives they need to change to look more like them.

I don't know how to deal with these conflicting views. I clearly just can't stand to the side and say believe what you want when love is denied so many and pain is caused, but I also don't feel right stamp out someone's beliefs when they have their own story that places them where they exist in that moment.

Help?

the best place ever

2008-07-11T14:45:00.004-04:00

I'll be at camp until July 19. Camp is one of the best weeks of the year for me. So much so, that I decided not to take a position doing CPE this summer so I could go back again. This will be my seventh year there, and it just keeps getting better.

Camp is a place where I find renewal every summer because I get to spend so much time outside and with such wonderful people. I'll have my first camper turned counselor this summer, which is really great. I'm looking forward to seeing how Kevin has grown over the past several years. He was one of my first campers the first summer I ever worked there.

One of the many traditions for our week at camp is mail. We enjoy sending and receiving mail and the staff attempts to do their best at embarrassing each other with the mail they send. So, if you're interested in sending me some mail, please do. And, I promise, I will begin to write in the weeks to come.

Peace and Love,

Peno

PS: If you know Bekah Wilcox, she'll be there too. Same address, just a different name.

Jason Peno

c/o Wesley Forest

PO Box 35

Weikert PA 17885

logistics

2008-04-24T14:18:00.003-04:00

So, in a few weeks I'll be moving and for some reason I can't set up the post office to forward my mail to my new place. Please note that any mail sent to me in Connecticut should be sent to:

305 Saint Ronan Street, New Haven, CT, 06511.

That change can be made now because two of my future roommates already live there. Thanks, and hopefully more to come once this semester if over.

today can't decide what it wants to be

2008-04-11T15:10:00.003-04:00

i haven't written anything in a long while and this post will be rather short, i'll try to write more later. today is one of those days that just can't decide what it wants to be. it flits between warm and dreary, constantly threatening to drench an unsuspecting victim (but maybe not). i love these days. they offer a special kind of space for creativity. you can either risk the potential downpour in pursuit of an outdoor activity or you can snuggle up with a good book and even better friend with a marked excuse (that most would not argue) to be lazy. enjoy your day.

plop, plop, fizz, fizz

2008-02-29T08:16:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think I know what alka-seltzer feels like (without the “O, what a relief it is” part). It seems that no matter how hard I try, and how hard I bite my lip, I inevitably end up in a situation where words tumble past the gates that are my lips and out into the surrounding environment. Fizz. Fizz. Maybe I just need to learn to be less effervescent. Or, maybe this is what it means to have a “calling” and to pursue said calling. If so, can you trade callings in for different models? Probably, but maybe we’re not as free if we do.

I guess whatever it means; I need to learn how to be responsible with this desire for honesty. And, I think, the best way to do that and to keep it in check is to rely on my other friends’ strengths to nuance mine and keep my weaknesses balanced.

bare feet please

2008-02-25T21:43:00.002-05:00

the catholic student group hosted chapel on friday. fridays are usually our eucharist services, but because the roman catholic church does not host an inclusive communion, the group hosted a foot-washing service.

having spent four years at an ana-baptist undergrad and three summers at a BIC camp, i thought this was a great alternative to eucharist because it embodies many of the same attributes. it also serves as an act of reconciliation in the absence of being able to serve our community

now, since winter began in new haven, i’ve been wearing shoes, pretty much every day. i know. Crazy. i mean, before moving here, i can’t remember the last time I wore shoes two days in a row unless I was backpacking or teaching. as i removed my shoes and placed my bare feet on the floor it was like greeting a familiar friend. all of a sudden it was like i remembered a piece of myself long forgotten. it’s funny how something so simple can affect you.

also, in the past few years, foot-washings have been more common in my life but always attached to a significant person. as i sat in the service, i remembered all of the times i had washed the feet of my campers, or friends, or as an act of reconciliation. i also remembered the many loved ones who had cared enough to wash my own feet. sometimes, in the midst of all the theology and theory, it becomes difficult to remember why i spend so much time thinking and talking about these things. as the community around me participated in this act of service and reconciliation, i remembered a lot of where i coming from and maybe glimpsed a little of why i 'm where i am.

a whale in ohio

2008-02-21T21:15:00.002-05:00

I’ve been reading Ann Lamott’s Traveling Mercies. (Excellent book by the way. Thank you Megan for suggesting her writings and thank you Liz for lending me a few books)

Anyway. As I read through her book, I began to wonder how I might begin a book about my life. A memoir of sorts. I highly doubt that I will ever do this, but I came to the conclusion that a book about my life would just have to be a collection of stories. As I pondered; this story came to my mind:

I spent a good deal of my summers visiting my father and his side of the family in North Eastern Ohio. One of our standard summer excursions was a trip to Sea World. That’s right. Someone thought it would be a good idea to take these six plus ton sea animals, pluck them out of the seemingly limitless expanse of the ocean, and plop them in large plexi-glass tank in Eastern Ohio and make them dance to the delight of audiences. And I loved every trip we went on. And while I still don’t think it’s the best concept, I’m certain that these animals were well loved by the people at Sea World.

Now, at the very mature age of seven or eight, we –meaning my father, grandparents, younger brother, and aunts- were on one of these lovely summer trips to Sea World. During these trips, one of my favorite (and Justin’s too) part of the park was the play area. I mean, large expanses of rope that you can climb to the highest of heights, acres of ball pits to bury yourself in and a ship with water cannons. What isn’t there to love?

Well, while my grandmother had my brother and I on this large ship, with these wonderful canons, I turned and ran to one of the canons in my hope to be able to nail the pedestrians below with a spray of water. When I turned back around, my grandmother was gone. (Unknown to me, a rather large man had stepped into my field of vision, blocking my grandmother and brother)

I, like any young child would do, began to run through the situation logically. After a run-over of the ship, I gathered my bearings and began to run through the list of places to check next. The ball pits and climbing area. Not there. All right. Check the ship once more. All right, no dice. Check the rest of the games area. Nope. All right. Next. Don’t leave the game area. O, look at that woman. She’s sweeping the area and wearing a Sea World Shirt. I bet she can help. O good a walkie-talkie. O look. Here comes my aunt Kim. Everything’s fine now.

Most of you reading this will understand why I might have told this story. You might not get all the points, but you’ll get most. If you want me to exegete it just a bit, let me know, we’ll talk. I’m sure all of you can even give insights into pieces of me that you see in the story that I don’t.

peace and love

a beautiful mess

2008-02-17T19:45:00.001-05:00

life is messy.

life is beautiful

life is a beautiful mess.

i believe this statement whole-heartedly. life is one big beautiful mess because we are human and we are designed to be in relationship. we are created to be in relationship and somewhere along the way we began to walk (no scratch that) run away from what this means.

-let me be clear. i don’t think that relationships were ever easy or simple. i don’t believe that we started off in this warm, fuzzy, cozy existence in which the world was a kinder softer place and when we fell down we landed on soft marshmallowy ground. i just think, maybe, at one point, we might have been more willing to acknowledge the messiness of it all and somewhere we forgot how.-

i also believe that we’re living in a new day (not just waiting for one). this means, i believe, that we’ve been given the opportunity to see the world around us and remember that we were created to engage it: especially one another. what I think this means about the man we call jesus is that he came to show us who we are meant to be (not in some distant future, but now). the grace of god is that jesus was sent to be in relationship with us and to remind us to actually see one another. (clearly not a simple task)

i could probably elaborate more on this. you know, develop my christology and what that means for the rest of my theological thoughts. but all i really think right now is that we are meant to be in relationship and (surprise of all surprises) it’s not going to be easy

but

here’s a bit of what i’ve learned. it’s nothing special. just what i think.

number one. without exception. no matter what. no matter how hard. be honest.
this may be the most difficult task in all of creation. there are good and bad ways of doing it. timing is more important here then with comedy. but. when in doubt. honesty is always the right choice. and. even if things hit a rough patch. on the other side is something far more valuable then what you left behind or locked in side. if you keep it there; it will eat you for dinner. sometimes, just sometimes, yelling is ok. and other times, not talking can help. but always come back to one another.

tell each other (with or without words): i love you. do it whatever way is comfortable for you. but. do it and do it often. you never know when you’ll need the “i love yous” and happy times to carry you through the rough ones. there’s all kinds of love. it’s mostly good. and sometimes hard.

be willing to let go when it’s time. not every relationship will last forever. the ones that do; fantastic. the ones that don’t: you still learned something; loved someone.

never go to bed angry. (it’s a hard one. try it. i think i kind of stink at it.)

know that you’re not always right. the rules are never black and white. and that some things just aren’t worth fighting over. whether you like it or not, life is situational and no one way will work in every experience. (although, honesty still is always best)

laugh. all of time. at anything.

cry. just let those tears flow.

every relationship is important. from the person who sells you your groceries to the one that’s been there from day one. we all need each other.

life is

messy

and

beautiful

and

i love it

that's what she said...

2008-01-29T21:51:00.000-05:00

We have chapel ever day here. It’s not mandatory to attend. I hope to attend every day this semester (Although, I’m certain I’ll miss a few).

On Monday we held chapel in the Quaker style of worship. I will explain this a bit for those of you who have had little or no experience with the Quakers (who, by the way may be one of my favorite groups). During Quaker worship there is a leader. This leader’s only responsibility during worship is to end the service by shaking the hands of whoever may be seated on the right and left of said leader. During the worship time there are no structured happenings. You simply sit in silence, and if you feel inspired to do so, you may speak, sing, dance or any other number of appropriately public things.

This is the second time that we’ve worshiped in the Quaker Meeting style. During this service a great deal of people shared things that were on their minds, and hearts. They did this in a variety of ways, but what struck me most deeply about this second experience was the deep sense of honesty that occurred. It was one of the strongest senses of welcoming I’ve felt in this place so far.

As I sat, in silence, surrounded by this odd, wonderful community, I began to think about prayer. Prayer is one of the most difficult aspects of faith for me to engage. Do I pray? Certainly. I don’t think that I can avoid praying. I’m just not entirely sure how to engage prayer. It seems somewhat lacking and unfruitful to me when it’s not done in a communal way or when it’s simply asking for something.

If I relied on prayers a means to an end, as a way of simply getting what I need or fixing things around me, I would have given up on prayer (and maybe God) a long time ago. I think prayer is important for these things. Praying for change is a good step in moving toward change. It invites change (god) in. But for me there has to be something more. I can’t justify praying and then remaining idle, waiting for things to magically be different. I don’t’ think that’s how it works. I don’t think that’s what Jesus modeled.

I also don’t think prayer is just restating something god already knows. Certainly God already knows. But you’re in relationship with the divine. And in healthy relationships, we communicate. In prayer, we accept god’s acceptance.

Prayer (at it’s most powerful for me) is communal. It’s a way of sharing in one another. What happened in Marquand (chapel) on Monday was prayer. It was worship. It was a community being honest about where it’s at and responding to that honesty. In prayer we invite one another into the mystery of our humanity and in doing so into the mystery of the divine.

Prayer is so many different, wonderful things and as difficult as it is for me to grasp, I know that on some level it is important. Ultimately, I think that prayer is honesty. God may already know what we will say, but in this act we share truth with god, allowing it to become truth for ourselves.

Wherever we are, we are here.

2008-01-21T21:36:00.000-05:00

“Wherever we are, we are here.”
-Nancy and Kristina-

Someone famous may have said it first. They may have simply been repeating it. But I equate these words with Nancy and Kristina. As I sat in Koffee on Audubon about a week ago, enjoying a hot cup of tea and the last few moments before the beginning of the semester, I overhead this phrase: Wherever we are, we are here. I wasn’t eavesdropping. I hadn’t heard the context that preceded or the dénouement of conversation that followed this statement. However, upon hearing such a simple (and yes somewhat kitschy) statement, I realized how relevant it was to where I am at the moment.

For those of you who know me, I’m a process person. I advocate living in the present. The idea of participating in some part of life as a means to an end is frustrating beyond belief. (The end being outside of our reach of knowledge) However, at points of life transition (say moving to a new state and beginning Grad. School), I tend to think much farther forward then is healthy for any person. I begin to get overwhelmed with the details of where I’m going and how much it’s going to cost. (Yes. I worry about money a great deal) I have trouble focusing on where I’m at, often falling into the trap of nostalgia, giving where I came from more of a rosy tint then it might deserve. As time trudges along, I begin to gain my bearings and return to focusing on the moment. This happens to me on a much smaller scale at the beginning of each semester as I’m bombarded by syllabi.

As I sat in Koffee, drinking tea, and enjoying The Buddha of Suburbia I begin to think a bit about wherever we are, we are here. And you know, it’s true.

The past is a wonderful place to visit. For better or worse, it’s where we’ve come from. If we hope to truly understand ourselves and share in authentic relationships, then we must, at some point, experience where we’ve been.

I visited home and Harrisburg (home base) over break. I’m glad I left them when I did. It has been difficult at times to be away, but if I hadn’t left, I wouldn’t be able to love those places the way I do now. I now stand here, in this moment, changed and changing, firmly content with who I am and reconciled with where I'm coming from.

The future is exciting and frightening. It hangs in the air; just close enough to create the illusion that one has some sense of control over the forthcoming moments. It entices and sometimes taunts us, but it is where we are headed. It plays some role in the decisions we make now because we know it will effect the then.

The future intrigues me. Where will I go? Who will I befriend? How will I be different? As I stand here, on my past, I look forward, knowing that I am contentedly confused.

The present is where we are. The Past has brought us here and the Future draws us forward, but here is where we live. If we spend too much time with the other two, we miss life.

Change happens now. With ever step we take, we draw closest to the divine in our day-to-day moments. C.S. Lewis, in his Screwtape Letters, tells us that the present is where eternity draws near. We are living in the twilight of the new day and glimpses of that day are all around us. It’s tempting to check out. Life has certainly given me moments that warrant a vacation into nostalgia. But if we are to truly live, we must be here, in this very moment.

Nancy and Kristina made me happy that day. Every Sunday they take a few hours to be with one another and present in their here and now. They are two wonderful (slightly eccentric, but all the more lovely because of this) women. Before I left, I was able to have a nice conversation with the two of them and I’ve been invited back to share more. I look forward to the adventures that will certainly ensue on the Sundays I’m able to share in Koffee and the lessons I will undoubtedly learn.

It's Time for a New Year.

2008-01-21T21:30:00.000-05:00

It’s the new year, warranting at least one or two resolutions for the upcoming 365 days (give or take depending on the cycle). I have two small resolutions that I will loosely tie myself to in hopes of bettering my personhood and more in hopes of maintaining some type of connection to the community that exists outside of New Haven, CT (and for the one growing here). For those of you who don’t know, I began my M.Div. in the Fall of 2007 at Yale Divinity.

My first resolution you are reading. I hope to blog this next year as a way of keeping friends and family updated on myself but also as a way of continuing dialogue with those who I am in relationship with or anyone who happens to read any of the following. I’m not sure how consistent I will actually be with writing here, but I’d like to aim at posting something once a week. The writing will not be anything awe inspiring or amazing. It will mostly be my reflections on something that happened in the week or something I’ve read. My hope is that there will be responses to this and some type of dialogue can happen.

My second resolution is of a more personal note. Over the next year, I’d like to begin making a list of things I’d like to do during my life. It will mostly be simple things (i.e. Hiking to the bottom of the Grand Canyon). I realized I wanted to do this about a year ago when my friend Megan remarked (about her upcoming year in Africa) that early on in her life she was going to be able to check off one of the dreams she’s had since she was a child. Upon this remark I realized that I couldn’t quite articulate some tangible things I’d like to experience in my lifetime. It’s not that I didn’t (or don’t) have desires and dreams. I just hadn’t thought about any events or such that I might enjoy saying “I’d really like to do this someday.” In all of these I can only hope that some of the wonderful people in my life will be involved. Beyond that, there are always the personal improvements of being a little less whiny and always looking for new perspectives.